October 08, 2006

A truly horrible human being

The prince of prevaricators, a deacon of deception and a whore of hellacious proportions.
I forced myself to look into the mirror (literally) for as long as I could and was disgusted by what I saw after after a fairly brief interval of time. I have so many shortcomings as a husband, son, brother friend and employer that I cannot even consider allowing myself to accept the labels that those nonclemanture bequeath.
I constantly tell people what they like to hear rather than what I truly think because I don't have the inclination to justify my opinions. No longer do I make any effort to improve life at home for I am exausted by the futility of such endeavors and whatever complaints my family make to me are simply rejoined with "You are so right, that is unfair"
I honestly don't give a shit about anything anymore. I maintain politeness and try to get by without making any waves.
Castrated and ineffecual I find solace in solitary contemplation and an alcoholic fog.
I lack the will power to pick myself up out of the mire I have created and divert the energy to more ambitious and positive projects.
The constant physical pain I experience, although neither excruciating nor terribly debillitating has turned me into a pill popping moron.
All of my energies of late have been spent improving the facade and not the soul. I make certain that I excell everyone's expectations of how I should appear. I seem dutiful, caring, attentive well groomed and disgustingly cheerful, but an x-ray would reveal a cancer of unhappiness, anger and despair.
Forty two winters. forty two verdant springtimes, sultry summers and melancholy autumns.
I think I could have done it better....

1 comment:

izzy said...

This is a difficult post to respond to, but I'm going to give it my best shot...

Number 1 - We all go through times where we don't give a pure fuck about ourselves. That we walk around maintaing the socially accepted norms of our roles and what it means to be a father, brother, husband, wife, sister, corporate businessman/woman...and the ways we should behave, think, eat sleep... perhaps the position we have sex in or even the way we scratch our asses... but ultimately we neglect to show people who we truely are... how we truely feel and if we harbour those characteristics of who we are, someday they will be expressed and your loved ones won't even know how to react to them...

Number 2 - Feeling like these are normal... and we should expose them to our loved ones, cause they're bound to go through the same thoughts and processes in the later years or meet someone who will go through that. They need acknowledge what these feelings are and learn how to develop a "skin" on how to manage them.

Number 3 - the last thing you should be doing is being hard on yourself. Sometimes we can't help the way we feel. There are so many pressures that you're probably exposed to that it ends up becoming a burden instead of a pleasure. You're not a horrible human being... you just don't know how to react to the way you're feeling hence my comments in number 2.

Number 4 - Be real... and honest... trust in yourself... Sometimes trying to make things work just so that you avoid justifying your opinions is not a very good thing. You are a person.... who rightfully has opinions that damn well need to be heard. Your children need to see that there are other perspectives in the choices that they try to make and what better ways to learn these things then through the opinions of others, especially through their dad. Opinions allow us to choose between what is good and bad and right and wrong aren't they?

So I say be yourself... express yourself... so that in the long run.... you don't lose yourself.

Life is a journey my friend... you had 42 years and if you closely look... you will see many upon many accomplishments, joys and love.

Not very many people can say they've had the opportunity to experience these.

That's my comment!

Take care...