January 30, 2009

The end of the all that's good with blue cheese dressing on the side.

There has been a request to suspend the answering of the interview questions in their assigned order and to jump forward to a specific question and reply to that before I post my replies to the others. That puts a slight kink in things for I was all ready to post my answer question #2
Oh well, that will give all that much more time to fool around during the week to come.
Here is the question: An evil mastermind is going to destroy the world unless you can stop him her. You are armed with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of Aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. What is your plan?

Here is my impromptu, shoot from the hip, response in the form of some frivolous pulp fiction.

It was eighteen years ago to the day. I remember it clearly, who wouldn't. After all, I had saved the world. You say preposterous? You've never heard of this before? Well just sit back, refill your glass and let me fill you in on all the inane details.
It's not under the purview of the general public to be privy to the classified double top secret information of an evil mastermind society that attempts to destroy the world once every four years somewhat like the Olympics or a presidential election, but without the medals, the sweat and the pomp of the opening ceremony.
Most often the hero perishes in his defence of the world. I didn't. This is the how and the why.
The odd. The follicley challenged. The neurotic and those with a penchant for peanuts are not often received as saviors of the earth, but that is exactly what happened.
I was workin a Sunday afternoon shift in the bar and things were quiet. I was passing the time by nibbling on peanuts and making silly faces while studying my reflection on the backside of a spoon. It was at the moment when all is almost quiet. The jukebox was between songs and only the subtle whir of the overhead fan could be heard. when the eerie silence was shattered by trouble pushing through the swinging door. She was tall. She was exotic. She wore a trench coat. I thought to myself; "of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine" (Sorry Bogie). I quickly slipped the spoon into my back pocket, replaced the lid on the ginormous bucket of salty nuts and proceeded to look busy by polishing a glass that needed no polishing.
The woman sauntered up to the bar and ordered a Pellegrino. I served her a whiskey, neat. She knocked it back and asked for another, a double and I knew I was in trouble. If she was the evil genius then this time around the world was in trouble. I didn't want to destroy her- I wanted to join her. The forces of evil had chosen well.
I had to find a way to prevent her from transferring the vital final information to her minions. I had to think fast. I remembered that the bartender from previous night had left a can of hairspray the infamous brand called Aquanet on a shelf in the locker room. This gave me an idea. I filled the she devil's glass once again and lifting the bucket of nuts I told her I needed to refill the bucket for the evenings festivities.
Making my way into the back I kept up a steady stream of patter while at the same moment I whipped out the spoon from my back pocket and punctured the can of hairspray with the back end of it. I then jammed the can of Aquanet into the bucket of salty, thirst inducing goober beans.
Returning to the bar, I challenged my nemesis to a game of chance. For every peanut she caught I would pay her the price of a drink or pour her one. Being an egomaniac destroyer of worlds who looked at the rest of us as nothing more than insects, she could hardly refuse my offer. I made the first few fairly easy to bolster her feelings of superiority, but then I started to make things more and more difficult by firing the hairspray covered peanuts from my spoon in rapid succession into her inviting mouth. After a few minutes of this she was way up on the count. Her ego wouldn't let her believe that a simple bartender could be tricking her. In a short time the hair spray had done it's job. She was unable to either swallow the nuts I had fired into her mouth nor could she expectorate for the glue that has held up the hairdos of millions of American women throughout three decades of beehive bouffants and Farrah Fawcett look alike styling would not allow any movement from her molars. My timing could not have been more perfect for just as the enamel was setting; her contact was coming throughout the door. As he ordered a bottle of Amstel Light I reached under the counter and pulled out the lead filled rubber chicken that was kept there for comedy self defense. I just happened to be teaching a class at the local university for nerds who needed protection and had reason to carry the innocuous object. Holding the bottle of beer in one hand I swung the chicken through the air not once, but twice! On the first stroke I laid out the contact. The second felled the girl. I carried her to the back room and alerted the agency. They arrived and took the man away. The world was saved with one stroke of my chicken (cough). As for the girl? Well let's just say she woke up next to a bartender and had a mouthful of nuts to chew on.

A spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of Aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. is all you need to save the world and find a girl.

17 comments:

Grant said...

Since Japan is so far ahead of time, can you tell me who won the superbowl in time for me to place a bet here? I'll split the winnings with you.

whimsical brainpan said...

LMAO! There really is nothing like a lead filled rubber chicken for comedy self defense.

NYD said...

Grant~ What is this Superbowl thing I keep hearing about?

Whimsey~ To tell the truth I only have a rubber duckie.

lime said...

lol, that was brilliant! i have had a rather crap weekend interspersed with moments of happiness. with this post i can go to bed with a chuckle...bless you.

shaking head, laughing, and smiling as i trudge down the hallway.

The Java Junkie said...

Bwahahaha!! Comedy self defense!! Thanks for the smile!

Aunty Belle said...

Acquanet to the rescue!!

NYD said...

Lime~ I hope I have fufilled your request. I could hae gone on a lot longer, but I ran out of alchohol.

JJ~ Comedy is always the best self defense

Aunty~ That's not the first time I've heard that said.

NYD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mayden' s Voyage said...

So did you marry her, or what? ; )
lol-
This was fun <3

Spin said...

LOL! That was a great story.
Seriously about the Super bowl? You don't know?

Serena said...

I fully believe you can save the world with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of Aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. Trust me, a can of Aquanet in a woman's hands is a fearsome weapon. Catapult a rubber chicken into the mix and shock and awe is guaranteed.:)

The Grunt said...

This proves that the ultimate man would be a hybrid of the Three Stooges and MacGyver.

Megan said...

Sensational!

Mona said...

A spoon has a backside?

No wonder the dish ran away with one...

lime said...

you have indeed fulfilled your request and can now resume posting responses in whichever order you wish. this response has been included in a contest i am running at my place. ;)

jGrrl said...

Dear me what a great tale! And a quote from my favourite film of all time, you can't go wrong there!

Allan said...

Comedy self-defense at it's best!