April 05, 2013

Barleycorn, sugarcane and tomato on the vine...

Here I am...again. The same misplaced man; living in the same town, doing the same mundane things on a daily basis to keep the tax man and the debt collectors at bay. Over the last two years, I have sat in front of this computer, fucking around on facebook and streaming an exorbitant amount of movies , TV shows and cat videos in order to keep my personal dilemmas and overwhelming, inconsolable sorrow from inundating my everyday life and making it impossible to function as a polite member of Japanese society.
Now don't get me wrong. My life is probably no better nor worse than any of the millions of people tapping away at their keyboards or sitting in public parks or maybe riding on trains and buses, thinking and struggling, trying to make sense and put some order into the incredible amount of activity, information and entertainment that presents itself to us on a daily basis.

I would love to be able to talk about all the sensational experiences I have had during my absence from this place and I'm certain that I will be letting those stories free to run around, prance, dance and delight, if I decide to continue writing, but right now I think that there is something that about the present that takes precedent above the past.
I made a few promises to myself that were utter foolishness and after three months of failing miserably in the effort of bringing them to fruition I decided to consider the stupidity of even attempting to achieve something I didn't really desire. Then it hit me; like Colonel Kurtz's diamond bullet, I realized the absurdity of the situation that presented itself.
I was trying to change my life by re-arranging the external circumstances, relationships and speed of movement through the miasma of contradiction and unassailable problems to maintain a certain kind of balance [the type that always ends up in a fiasco of one sort or another] instead of working on figuring out just exactly what I wanted with my days and nights on this planet. Good luck with that!
What I really wanted from life was the ability to do anything I wanted to do to even when it conflicted with the exact precepts that make fulfilling your dreams possible. In other words, I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too, but I believed that the consumption of a pastry and its calories would have no effect on me, I was wrong. Really, really wrong.
My selfishness and stupidity in believing that there was no price to pay in order to advance in life as well as the lack of consideration when thinking about how my decisions will affect others in both my private and personal life was a supreme moment in idiocy. In fact, it ought to be framed and set on display an any number of public spaces for all to witness one fine example of the continuing folly of the human race.

Right now I'm nibbling on olives...

I guess that's part of my Sicilian ancestry. I also nibble on cheese, but I ain't French, a Wisconsin cheese head nor a rat...(the rat part's up for debate).
We all do things that aren't necessarily connected to our genetic make up, hell, or even good for us. Christ, I've been known to eat raw fish with a pair of slim wooden sticks and I'm pretty certain that my great grand dad never did that.

How difficult is it to break out of our habits and change the way we see the world.

I have been so wrapped up in my job, a second failed marriage and a business that threatens to keep me bound to my past like Charlton Heston at the oar; that I honestly cannot remember the last time I  laughed just for the sheer pleasure of it, or danced because the music of life moved me, but that's going to change.
I think that it's about time that I let all the ridiculousness and fantasy slough off me for once and all and finally learn to get a grip on the reality of things....I guess it's time to grow up. I'm hoping that we all feel this way.


Kurt said...

Welcome back. Maybe my cartoons can make you laugh again (polzinchiki.wordpress.com).

NYD said...

Thanks for the kind words, Kurt. Been feeling a little skittish about coming back here and writing again.

leelee said...

perhaps the universe was nudging us..... HUGS!!

leelee said...

perhaps the universe was nudging us..... HUGS!!

lime said...

i'm glad to see you back. i have wondered how you've been. sorry it's been a rough go but glad it brought you to some important realizations. that means you can move forward.

may you find balance.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Sometimes it amazes me how much your path reminds me of my own. Your words echo in my head...and my secret wish is that laughter will slip into your life with such force it will take your breath away for a moment :)