Here I am...again. The same misplaced man; living in the same town, doing the same mundane things on a daily basis to keep the tax man and the debt collectors at bay. Over the last two years, I have sat in front of this computer, fucking around on facebook and streaming an exorbitant amount of movies , TV shows and cat videos in order to keep my personal dilemmas and overwhelming, inconsolable sorrow from inundating my everyday life and making it impossible to function as a polite member of Japanese society.
Now don't get me wrong. My life is probably no better nor worse than any of the millions of people tapping away at their keyboards or sitting in public parks or maybe riding on trains and buses, thinking and struggling, trying to make sense and put some order into the incredible amount of activity, information and entertainment that presents itself to us on a daily basis.
I made a few promises to myself that were utter foolishness and after three months of failing miserably in the effort of bringing them to fruition I decided to consider the stupidity of even attempting to achieve something I didn't really desire. Then it hit me; like Colonel Kurtz's diamond bullet, I realized the absurdity of the situation that presented itself.
I was trying to change my life by re-arranging the external circumstances, relationships and speed of movement through the miasma of contradiction and unassailable problems to maintain a certain kind of balance [the type that always ends up in a fiasco of one sort or another] instead of working on figuring out just exactly what I wanted with my days and nights on this planet. Good luck with that!
What I really wanted from life was the ability to do anything I wanted to do to even when it conflicted with the exact precepts that make fulfilling your dreams possible. In other words, I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too, but I believed that the consumption of a pastry and its calories would have no effect on me, I was wrong. Really, really wrong.
My selfishness and stupidity in believing that there was no price to pay in order to advance in life as well as the lack of consideration when thinking about how my decisions will affect others in both my private and personal life was a supreme moment in idiocy. In fact, it ought to be framed and set on display an any number of public spaces for all to witness one fine example of the continuing folly of the human race.
Right now I'm nibbling on olives...
I have been so wrapped up in my job, a second failed marriage and a business that threatens to keep me bound to my past like Charlton Heston at the oar; that I honestly cannot remember the last time I laughed just for the sheer pleasure of it, or danced because the music of life moved me, but that's going to change.
I think that it's about time that I let all the ridiculousness and fantasy slough off me for once and all and finally learn to get a grip on the reality of things....I guess it's time to grow up. I'm hoping that we all feel this way.