December 16, 2008

Things I wish I said,...

I wasted many, many hours this weekend waiting on the whim of a woman, my wife.
Now if this were an episode of Sex and the City she would have gotten together with her friends and told them at dinner over a plate of ravioli, which I just happened to make for tonight's repast, how wonderful I was (I am, you know). Then she would have called me up, invited to her apartment and treated me to some amazingly acrobatic sex.

If this were an episode of the Sopranos I would have been getting laid two days ago at the Bada Bing then my buddies and I would have made a major score and spent the weekend gambling in Atlantic city where we took our winnings and spent them on bitches and blow.

Life is nothing like an HBO drama.

Smarter, funnier people have put it better than I could ever have. I defer to them...

"When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs."
Friedrich Nietzsche

"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
Oscar Wilde

"Direct thought is not an attribute of feminity. In this, women are now centuries behind man."
Thomas Edison

"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote."
Grover Cleveland, Former US President (1905)
"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man."
Erica Jong

"Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property."
Napolean Bonaparte

"Women are nothing but machines for producing children."
Napolean Bonaparte

"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie

"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one."
WC Fields

"My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophillia a bad name."
Patrick Murray

"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Groucho Marx

"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking."
Rupert Hughes
"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing." Sean Williamson
"Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends'."
Jeffrey Bernard

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx

"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."
HL Mencken

"When I have one foot in the grave, I will tell the whole truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me and say, 'Do what you like now'."
Leo Tolstoy

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."
Leonardo Di Vinci

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Lewis Grizzard

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men."

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."
Tony Curtis

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."
Max Kaufman
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure."
Oscar Wilde

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
George Burns

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Groucho Marx

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
Ann Landers

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
Spike Milligan

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Ambrose Bierce

Ladies feel free to post a rebuttal in the comments section.


Grant said...

Chinese Cheerleaders are hot.

- Me

lime said...

Katharine Hepburn:
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

Simone de Beauvoir:
No one is more arrogant toward women, more aggressive or scornful, than the man who is anxious about his virility.

Roseanne Barr:
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

Karen Blixen:
What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine?

NYD said...

Grant~ You've posted that one before.

Lime~ We'd make a great pair. Just remember that guys also came up with "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear"

Oh, and tell Ms. Blixen, If the wine were to be imbibed during winter we would attempt to write our names in the snow.

I have never been able to dot the 'I'

Jenny said...

so what exactly did you do wrong?


Anonymous said...

With your reliance on these "experts," how is it your wife stays with you?

NYD said...

Boxer~ Everything and nothing. LOL

Citizen~ Ya know, I bet she's asking herself the same question.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Hmm. What inspired all of these or dare I ask?

The Nietztche one is typical; I am a scholar and men say that to me all the time. I reply that I merely suffer from castration anxiety whereas they have penis envy.

WC Fields is funny as hell. Oscar Wilde is brilliant. And I think I've heard that Ann Landers quote. I remember her column. Is she still alive?

Bonaparte was a short little man who was stupid enough to invade Russia when he should have been content with 1/2 of the world. Clearly, he didn't listen to his wife.

Fade out...

Kurt said...

"I deny that anyone knows, or can know, the nature of the two sexes, as long as they have only been seen in their present relation to one another. If men had ever been found in society without women, or women without men, or if there had been a society of men and women in which the women were not under the control of the men, something might have been positively known about the mental and moral differences which may be inherent in the nature of each. What is now called the nature of women is an eminently artificial thing — the result of forced repression in some directions, unnatural stimulation in others."

John Stuart Mill

Anonymous said...

I have nothing to add, you're wonderful.

Megan said...

I came back to tell you I forgot to look for something or someone to quote! :)

Serena said...

I can't think of any more quotes. All I can say is that there must be some reason somewhere why they call it the battle of the sexes. I think it has something to do with differently wired brains or something. Personally, I always go heavy on the praise when a man does something nice for me.:)

puerileuwaite said...

I for one am glad that men and women are different. If they were more similar, I'd really have a tough time telling them apart at intoxicated social settings.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

"After 19 years together- are you telling me you still can't F'n read my mind???"

-CRB (me)

Yep I said that- just recently.


moi said...

"We've been together so long
I hope it wasn't just the drugs.
What happened to the energy we had
The morning glories and the rodeo hugs?
And I know you like the back of my hand
With a stamp that says I paid to get in.
And yes I am your television show
And you're the nicest place I've ever been."

– Joan Osborne.

Ming the Merciless said...

Ouch!! Sounded like you had a rough weekend, huh?