January 18, 2011

Point no finger

I have a dopey habit of trying to find songs that will voice for me, the thoughts and feelings that often get jumbled up in my head. It's a little easier to find some kind of pep rally theme song that expresses my particular Hallmark moment than to actually sit back and evaluate the situation at hand.

I guess it's kind of similar to those days, long ago in High school, when a guy would make a mixed tape for a girl he liked. The main problem with doing just that was there was no way for her to understand exactly what you were thinking when you recorded those tunes. Well, not unless you were sending this message:

Messages ALWAYS get mixed up.

Kinda like this guy.

Maybe you can imagine a time when the words you were saying meant one thing to you, but the person on the receiving end got an entirely different meaning from your statements.

Maybe actions are like that too, huh.

I've been getting it wrong for a long time now and I just couldn't get the most important person in my life to understand just what it was I wanted her to hear.

But that's now over. Done with. In the past.
I'm trying to look ahead.

But before you step into the future it's always a good idea to clean up your past. I don't like the idea of leaving a mess behind for other people to deal with. Responsibility isn't something I've actively looked for, but bit by bit and slowly, year by year it has enveloped me with a sense of accountability that just will not allow me to shirk my duty to the people in my life. I'm sure you can see the sense of that.

I am once again tearing down the walls and rebuilding the house. I don't mind the work. The foundation seems sound enough, but the cost of renovation is taking it's toll and it gets harder to haul bricks as the years go by. 
I try not to look at my face in the morning when I shave 'cause I start to think of bedsheets. Even if they are laundered and kept in relatively good condition they are still faded, stained and frayed at the edges; not nearly as nice as a fresh, new set. 

Ice melting away.
Taking my regrets with it.
 Winter lingers long 'till Spring.


lime said...

if the foundation is good you'll be ok. you don't have to build a mansion...just something that is well suited, meets your needs, and has a bit of room to share. you can add on as needed and when the time is right.

wishing you a peaceful dwelling.

NYD said...

Thank you, Lime.

Kurt said...

You're fortunate. My foundation is rotten. Nothing can be done.

NYD said...

Kurt: If you can make people laugh, which you do very well, then your foundation is in better shape than you think it is.

Allan said...

Actions are like that.

Serena said...

Sometimes I fear my future is as big a mess as my past. All I can do is roll with it and ... hope for the best.:)

LOVE your haiku. It's beautiful.

The Grunt said...

Thanks for the video with the hot black girls, man! As for foundations, yeah, a good platform to put whatever you want on top. I've been remodeling myself.

moi said...

"The words you say/Never seem to live up to/The ones inside your head."
– From my new book, Everything I've Ever Needed to Know in Life, I Learned from Soundgarden and Other '90's Bands. But Not Metallica. Or Radiohead.

Oh, and if you are so inclined to haiku again, drop by next week for Haiku Mondays. I'm judging this week and giving away fabulous prizes.

X. Dell said...

(1) Sorry to hear. It might dawn on her after awhile. Maybe she can meet you halfway. Maybe you could both learn new words and actions. I have to believe that if she means that much to you, then you probably mean that much to her. Can't see her giving up on you very easily.

(2) I have a recording of Bob and Ray singing the Rod Stewart song. If you need a laugh, it's guaranteed.

secret agent woman said...

I'm in a similar place. Or perhaps more like a home inspection to identify what needs to be worked on. A re-assessment.

Mona said...

You are right. past is just another chapter. I am trying to get used to my new life after my husband died last year. Life changes like seasons...