April 02, 2006

Booze, Butts, Sex., Sweat -N -Hemoglobin.

There's a whole lot of thoughts that go through my head and never make it to the page in front of you. First of all this is not a confessional, not that I'd know what one was, but I realize that I can't be completely honest about everything that goes on in my life. I would love to, but this isn't an anonymous blog. The peeps who read this know me, even if they don't leave comments or shouts, as I call them.

I'm tryin to clean myself up, I'm not certain why, but I'm doing it. That is bound to make the people close to me somewhat stressed out. Really stressed out because I have lived with most of my addictions since the age of thirteen. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the correct thing. I could be making a mistake, trying to change this far along the line.

Changes often make me upset. I don't like to swish things around unless they aren' t working properly. Not smoking or drinking or indulging it the things that have so far made life bearable has been an act of supreme patience that still has a lot of quirks in it. Crispy, my wife, is smoking a cigarette at the moment and it's making me nuts!

Why, all of a sudden am I doing all this crazy stuff? I would like to be a healthier person, being and looking healthy is sexy. I have two major goals that I really want to achieve. First is longevity; I want to live forever. No joke! The second is a lot tougher; I really want to be a GOOD person. Again, no joke! I realize that I am not and haven't been a fine example of a human being. I just feel the need to be able to look in the mirror and feel supremely happy about what I see there.
That is the neck! I'm conflicted in so many areas of my life that I find it a problem of gargantuan proportions to achieve the balance that I'm looking for.
Someone, anyone! Quick! Give me a blade so that I might cut the Gordian knot that blocks my path. There is a certain satisfaction from indulging in the things that make you feel good. Smoking, although physically un-healthy, is spiritually up-lifting I can say the same for whiskey as long as I imbibe moderately. Sex is the best thing around and I wonder if there is such a thing as too much???
Hmmmm. Well, I've set myself on a path. Now it's just a matter of time before I find out if it's the right one or not.

No comments: