November 11, 2007

Hell's Bells and Shopping Carts

I will never, never ever enter a supermarket on a Sunday for the remainder of my days on this planet or any other planet, for that matter.There are two things that send me into a slight panic when I experience them.
The first is to wake up and find that I don't have any cigarettes in my pack. The second is to find out at the same time that there isn't any coffee in the cupboard.

I encountered both of those situations this morning and although I was a little put off about having to venture outside on a dreary soggy Sunday morning, if I wanted my fix then I was going to have to make some kind of effort. If only I had known what I was getting myself into I might have just stayed home with a cup of tea instead.

Pulling into a parking spot right in front of the store entrance, I thought to myself, 'Oh-Hooooo, prime spot. I'll be in and out and back at home in no time flat.'

Making my way through the aisles I encountered a creature that, if were on the verge of extinction, I doubt that anyone would shed a tear or lodge a protest to preserve: The Slothy Suburban Shopping Socialite.

This beast creates road blocks throughout the store by leaving their shopping carts in the middle of the aisles while they are chatting up a storm with the other members of the herd. God forbid you have to get through and actually lay a hand on their grocery cart. This will produce a reaction where the socialite will come waddling at you with high pitched squeals and hands raised it the air to ward you away from their precious cargo.

Eventually I made my way through the aisle blocking women and their screaming children to get to the coffee section and procure my single bag of beans. That done; I made my way to the check-out lines and discovered that Japan has no express lines. No express lines at all! So you know that just as I am making my way to the register with the shortest line, a suburbabitch runs in front of me with a shopping cart overflowing with everything under the sun. I'm standing there with a single stinking bag of coffee thinking about using it to smack the smarmy smile of her face. I gave the bag a light toss and tested the heft and decided to find another line.

By the time I made it back to the car and then to the convenience store for a pack of smokes that I was in much need of, at least forty minutes had passed. Forty minutes of my precious Sunday morning spent in aggravation.

I should have stayed in bed.


H. Rutella said...

After hearing the story read to me, I knew exactly who it was. First of all I thought it was me as the first paragraph was being read. After Japan was mentioned I knew that this had to be someone close to me, but very far away. Why didn't you just go to the fnkng dunkin donuts place and get a bottomless cup? ALREADY BREWED! You could have had a donut too, with your cigarette, which you supposedly gave up. But I'm glad to hear you got out safe and sound without killing anyone. At one point I was sure you would have hit her, but you have grown,and developed a great self control. Proud of you.

Serena Joy said...

As bad as your shopping experience was, you know what? It's even worse on Saturdays! I would rather get tied to railroad tracks than go near a large grocery store on a Saturday.:)

J. Gandolfini said...

saturday shopping, are you serious! It's the last day of their sales and everyone is reaching for the product that also happens to be the last one and it's 50 to 70% off and just so happens you desperately need it. Saturday shopping, I would rather stand in the middle of broadway in Manhattan during the worse snow storm of it's history....naked.

Scary Monster said...

Me be doin me shopping online. Let the idiots bring the shit to yer house instead of drop kicking the little old ladies that block yer way,


How come nobody be posting links?

NYD said...

Thanks Mom.

Serena- I actually go to the market on Sat. evenings after work and the crowds then are a lot more civilized.

JG- Standing in the middle of broadway naked at anytime is just not a smart thing to do. Stick to the crowded supermarket.

Scary- You got a point brother.